Driving through Life

It is with great pleasure that I revisit this such infrequently written blog. Sporadically, in my life things come and go. Thoughts, words, ideas and so on. Tonight they have all come together. Tonight, for the first time in a long time, I started and finished a book (of my own choosing). A book I actually invested my thought into and a book that actually made me think of my own life. What is sure to follow is random, unstructured writing of an unpolished writer but I feel compelled to speak anyway.

The story in this book features an adolescent boy who meets an older woman and discovers a whole new outlook on life. I won't ruin the story but towards the end the boy, now a man, discovers that his past is troublesome but the one he has created for himself and he is okay with that. Though the story is nothing like my life it has allowed me to intuitively think of the way I live.

In case you were unaware, I graduated with a master's degree a mere week ago, and I am moving forward with my life. Of course I will always receive the question, "so what are you going to do". It's a valid question and not one I can ever answer directly. And for now I am okay with that.

Lately I have been thinking about the expectations people have for themselves, friends, family, and others. We have a set standard of norms and sometimes what I feel to be a manuscript. The manuscript is "Go to college, get a job and/or continue your education, follow a structured and sound plan." Well, I have been following a structured plan for six years now and I have to say I am ready to be done with that for a while.

Our whole lives we are in controlled environments. We live in a world of rectangles, air conditioning, synonymous vehicles, clothing, styles. It's all structured whether we want it to be or not. It is as if we are living in an episode of The Truman Show yet we will never be able escape the bubble over us. Or can we?

After I finished my book (titled "The Reader" in case you were interested in it) I decided to go for a nighttime drive. During this drive, I thought about my life and how for the first time, at least by my own recognition, I had control in my life, and how I am able to do this by losing structure. I have decided that once I break down my own barriers will I be happy and free. For the first time I feel in control of my movements. Where I go next, who I choose to see, and what I go to do are in my own power. If I can only free myself from myself then I can I be truly free. Make sense?

On this drive I listened to a little Death Cab for Cutie and some of their lyrics always hit home with a current trend in my life. Take this excerpt from "Your heart is an empty Room."

"The flames and smoke climbed out of every window
And disappeared with everything that you held dear
But you shed not a single tear for the things that you didn't need
Cause you knew you were finally free"

Everything that I have known can change and I am fine with that. In fact I welcome its change. For I am "finally free" that I can see things clear.

Certainly structure and organization can be good but I don't want to get caught in a trap and then think back on the past I created and hold regrets. It is cliche to sound like this but nonetheless how I feel. Hopefully this makes sense to you. I know it does to me. All that is left now is to live the way I have always wanted to, shapeless and free.

What's Next?

Here I am, on a surprisingly mellow night for a Monday during basketball season. It is day one of intramural sports from a participant standpoint, and on a day where I would normally be assisting officials, helping staff or officiating, I am reading a book from class. The book is Transforming Public Leadership for the 21st Century. It has occurred to me how amazing it is that one book with so many words can say so little to me. I suppose it is the lack of passion for standard issue books or my undeniable loathing of the modern education system, or just the lackluster effort that is put into a program that makes me wonder, what's next.

When I started school in kindergarten and made it to first grade, I remember thinking, will I ever get to sixth grade? When I made it to junior high, I thought, will I ever finish school? When I finally graduated from high school, I knew everything would be different. I knew I would find the girl of my dreams, I would land my dream job at age 23, and everything would be perfect. When I was a freshman in college, I could not wait for all this to happen. Where am I now, you ask?

I am 24, clueless as to a specific area that I will pursue, single, and just trying to get my foot in the door of a program. But what does that mean? Have I failed? If I did is that a good thing, since you have to fail before you succeed? I guess it could mean many things, and they could be different for you and me. On the flip side, I never would have dreamed I would have went to grad school, gone to school for two additional years, be living in Georgia and be in a position that I am now.

I suppose I am saying that life isn't perfect. Sure everyone has an opinion on what they think is right and how to do this or that, but in the end it is really about the decisions we make individually. At the end of the day, if we can look in the mirror and be proud of who we are, is that not enough? Success can be measured in multiple ways and maybe if we were not so critical or so superficial we might see that is okay to be who we are. Sometimes we are so consumed in status that we forget to think about our own happiness. I think about a line from the show Scrubs, when an old lady was dying and asked J.D. about his "Bucket List." One thing she asked him was, "How many times have you lied in the grass and just done nothing?" It is such a simple concept but do we ever stop to consider it in this world we live? I guess it's officially time to "stop, and smell the roses." Maybe, just maybe, if I do that, the rest will all fall into place.