Driving through Life

It is with great pleasure that I revisit this such infrequently written blog. Sporadically, in my life things come and go. Thoughts, words, ideas and so on. Tonight they have all come together. Tonight, for the first time in a long time, I started and finished a book (of my own choosing). A book I actually invested my thought into and a book that actually made me think of my own life. What is sure to follow is random, unstructured writing of an unpolished writer but I feel compelled to speak anyway.

The story in this book features an adolescent boy who meets an older woman and discovers a whole new outlook on life. I won't ruin the story but towards the end the boy, now a man, discovers that his past is troublesome but the one he has created for himself and he is okay with that. Though the story is nothing like my life it has allowed me to intuitively think of the way I live.

In case you were unaware, I graduated with a master's degree a mere week ago, and I am moving forward with my life. Of course I will always receive the question, "so what are you going to do". It's a valid question and not one I can ever answer directly. And for now I am okay with that.

Lately I have been thinking about the expectations people have for themselves, friends, family, and others. We have a set standard of norms and sometimes what I feel to be a manuscript. The manuscript is "Go to college, get a job and/or continue your education, follow a structured and sound plan." Well, I have been following a structured plan for six years now and I have to say I am ready to be done with that for a while.

Our whole lives we are in controlled environments. We live in a world of rectangles, air conditioning, synonymous vehicles, clothing, styles. It's all structured whether we want it to be or not. It is as if we are living in an episode of The Truman Show yet we will never be able escape the bubble over us. Or can we?

After I finished my book (titled "The Reader" in case you were interested in it) I decided to go for a nighttime drive. During this drive, I thought about my life and how for the first time, at least by my own recognition, I had control in my life, and how I am able to do this by losing structure. I have decided that once I break down my own barriers will I be happy and free. For the first time I feel in control of my movements. Where I go next, who I choose to see, and what I go to do are in my own power. If I can only free myself from myself then I can I be truly free. Make sense?

On this drive I listened to a little Death Cab for Cutie and some of their lyrics always hit home with a current trend in my life. Take this excerpt from "Your heart is an empty Room."

"The flames and smoke climbed out of every window
And disappeared with everything that you held dear
But you shed not a single tear for the things that you didn't need
Cause you knew you were finally free"

Everything that I have known can change and I am fine with that. In fact I welcome its change. For I am "finally free" that I can see things clear.

Certainly structure and organization can be good but I don't want to get caught in a trap and then think back on the past I created and hold regrets. It is cliche to sound like this but nonetheless how I feel. Hopefully this makes sense to you. I know it does to me. All that is left now is to live the way I have always wanted to, shapeless and free.